If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
