i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
