Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
