I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
