Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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