Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
that may or may not have been my penis.
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