Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
