Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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