I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
