my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We got so high we made milksteak
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
