Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
