just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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