his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
