just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
