My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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