so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
