I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
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