I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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