I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
