I am in a vortex of obligation.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
