Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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