i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
