tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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