'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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