Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
