the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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