she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
