I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
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