if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
