apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
