You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
