Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
the day after is always just damage control
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
