You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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