I cockslap morals
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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