I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
