if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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