Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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