remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
