I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
pop tarts are not kleenex
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
