can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
