She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
