Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
