So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
