Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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