Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
