I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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