I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
