this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
