I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
