can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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