Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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