I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
