When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
