Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
