I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
