Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
