It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
